…One minute to say goodbye before we say hello.~ “Let’s Start the New Year Right” as sung by Bing Crosby
2014 was an odd year. Here are some pictures and tales to go along with them aka my way of doing a better version of the fb app ‘Your Year In Review’
January 23, 2014 Disneyland, CA
On this trip I connected with old friends, met new people via couch-surfing, and buried old ghosts. Every day was an adventure to a new or old place with someone delightful at my side or completely alone. I re-learned my delight in exploration and didn’t stress about things beyond my control. And you know, I went to Disneyland/California Adventure twice and finally caught my pullover pump shoot on flying trapeze 🙂
What started as something that was supposed to be just a consult dr’s appointment with my grandmother turned into a 2 night sleepover w/ her and mother (as the appointment Wednesday became procedure Thursday with an unexpected night in the cardiac lab for my grandmother who then didn’t leave til Friday), followed less then 5 days later with the start of 6 weeks of hospital hell as my grandmother and the dr’s did everything right but everything went wrong anyway as we bounced between cardiac ICU, step down units, bedlam, home, and back again. And Snowpocalypse happened. And there were still auditions to be gone to and excessive jaw pain from stress clenching to be done.
A post it fixed to the patient side of the nursing station of the ICU the first night after my grandmother’s 1st vascular surgery.
My grandmother, wearing my sunglasses and smiling crankily as I take this shot of her with her 2nd NG tube. You can still see the pressure dressing on her neck from her recently pulled CVC.
I hadn’t really recovered from all that when May hit and I began a cycle of teching and performing in multiple shows at the same time along with photographing at least one event or show a month, a pattern that would continue straight on until the end of October. During that time I ventured into roles I’ve never really delved into before (producing as well as sound design and fundraiser organization), which was awesome and demonstrated my need to have good back ups for myself.
I love trapeze. This is my teacher and friend Daniela. She meets me where-ever I am in training that day, physically as well as mentally, and is endlessly patient with my chatter and goofyness. She helped keep me sane and ground me this year in ways I can’t even describe. I would truly be lost without her.
In June, my estranged father learned (via the US postal service) where I live, something I have fought never to share with him due to the intense stalking he subjected my sister and I to in my teens. Still living in a state of low level freakout from that, a good friend, with no ill intention or malice but with unearthly bad timing, broke my trust and I found myself regressing back to the terrified adolescent I have tried hard to grow out of, the one who couldn’t talk to people and would run away to hide with the horses. I found myself feeling deeply unsafe in the places where I had always been so.
“Maria, these walls were not built to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live.” ~The Reverand Mother, from “The Sound of Music” Cliche perhaps, but true; healing isn’t found in sitting on the ground drowning in pain or by running away. It’s found in walking out of darkness into the sunlight, even though it burns.
“Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship.” ~Dorothy Parker
I love these two women. I could write 20 blogs about adventures we’ve been on together and everything they do for me. Because of them I found myself pushed to grow as an artist in directions I never dreamed of going, and I am better for it. I love them. That is all.
“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson
But what if they give themselves, in spite of your hesitation, in spite of your fears, in spite of the voice inside that whispers that you are unworthy?
My shows of 2014 (sound design/board oping, acting in, producing, and photographing. I don’t have pics of all of them either, sadly) numbered in the double digits. Here are some of my favorite moments in them:
In 2014, I found courage to speak about things and feelings like I have never had before. I learned that practicing forgiveness even when you don’t feel it can lead to an unconscious release of bitterness and salvage friendship. Learned to survive one of my most difficult years as a nurse. I also grew older, and had my busiest year ever creatively. Not bad for an old lady. Here’s to whatever madness and mayhem 2015 shall bring.
“Let’s start the new year right, twelve o’clock tonight
When they dim the light, let’s begin
Kissing the old year out
Kissing the new year in
Let’s watch the old year die with a fond good-bye
And our hopes as high as a kite…”
~ “Let’s Start the New Year Right” as sung by Bing Crosby